Country Music

       I think everyone has heard the joke, “What happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, you get your dog back, you get your trailer back…” Like most jokes, it overstates a specific stereotype. It’s just a joke, and is not very accurate.

       Not all country music fans have dogs.

       Ok, for real now. They don’t all have dogs, beat their wives (or get beat by their husbands), nor do they all live in trailers. Flip it over, and you will see that many dog owning wife beaters who live in trailers are not country music fans. There is just no way one can predict individual tastes, good or bad. It’s all personal opinion.

       My opinion of country music is very straight forward; I feel it’s the little known Fifth Horseman of The Apocalypse. No, not a sign of the coming, but a full fucking entity, with rhinestone encrusted boots, rebel yell and all.

       Ah, one may think I am pointing south now, but this is not a slap at those from the south in this instance. Not all Southerners wear rhinestones or yell uncontrollably when they are the least bit excited, and not all rhinestone wearing screaming wackjobs are from the south. It’s not a localized phenomenon.

       Have ya ever noticed the “Southern Twang” accent can apply pretty much anywhere in the USA? It may come as a surprise to many English speaking non-US citizens in the world that we don’t all sound like rednecks, but we don’t all sound like rednecks. And please don’t go by the way Governor Bush speaks. Most rednecks didn’t just learn how to pronounce the word “nuclear” correctly. I don’t think rednecks are bad mind you. In fact, I know a few, and they are good friends, but I am not a redneck. I don’t say “Ye-Haw” or “Y’all,” and I don’t like or listen to country music.

       This is also a bad filter, because a lot of square talking people like county music too. Only if there were a way to identify the dislike of country music by sight… other than being black that is, those lucky motherfuckers. But even this is not foolproof. It’s all quite dumbfounding.

       Out of everything there is to listen to, why would anyone pick country music above anything else? The absolute worst rock/pop/subculture band out there beats the hell out of most any country music in my opinion. I am glad I was turned on to The Ramones and Lou Reed, but even before that, I’d sooner eat a live bug then listen to a whole country music album. How could it be at all appealing to anyone at any age?

       My brother’s kids dig country music. They also live here most of the time. I am up to 9 live bugs a day. I can’t wait for the eldest to become a brooding teenager. Maybe then I can push some Cure on her or something. Until then, I am going to be stuck listening to the muffled sounds of Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney from their rooms. I usually have to drown them out with The Rolling Stones or Nine Inch Nails.

       Country music... I just don’t get it. There is the occasional county performer or specific song that is not totally unbearable, but normally the entire genre irritates the shit out of me.

       What the hell do I know? One of my favorite bands of all time is Styx.