To Insure Promptness
If I get one more kneejerk email from someone that didn't absorb the fact that there was a CASH TIP on
the table, I am goin to go postal! Now that I am pointing it out, try to keep it in mind before you decide
if I am a cheap bastard or not.
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What the fuck is an appropriate tip at a restaurant? I was always
under the assumption that it was 15-17% of your total bill, right?
This scale should get negatives when talking about Denny's, but let's
be cool here. Now I know I'm not wrong...
Let me tell you the entire story of my night. Dig, I was hanging out
with Danyelle (the person I love more than life itself), and we
eventually end up at Denny's for coffee. (You never go to Denny's, you
end up at Denny's). It's a Denny's we end up
in almost every damned night around 2am. One of the cooler waitresses
is on, and we're sure there won't be a hassle. I was broke, so Neil
spots me for coffee. All is cool...
After ten or so minutes pass, I realize that I am kinda-sorta
hungry. I have no money! What do I do?! GASP! Never fear, the
Fantastic Plastic is always near! Even though my Visa balance is so
high that Neil can hardly get his monster truck over it, I decide
to treat myself to a Moons Over MyHammy, a greasy mess of ham,
scrambled eggs, and 2 types of cheese served on sourdough bread,
plopped on a plate with french fries that are nearly 100% potato.
All this for $4.95... what a bargain. Danyelle says that I just like
saying "Moons Over MyHammy," but it's really not a bad sandwich.
So, I get the sandwich. I dissect the sucker with a fork and eat
the individual components as I always do. Danyelle mixes the side of
mayo I ordered with the same amount of ketchup and dips every fry
one at a time in the evil looking concoction. She then feeds me every
last one. Yummy!
We get ready to leave, and I pick up the check that was entered
just for me. The $4.95 sandwich plus tax came to $5.18.
I wheel over to the register, and the waitress takes the check. I
forgot to fill in gratuity and total, but said "Just round it up to
$6.00." Fair tip. After all, 15% of $5.18 is roughly $0.78, and
rounding it up to $6.00 made the tip $0.82. Besides, rounding the
bill to a dollar amount is easier to follow on my credit card
statement. Without warning, stupidity steps in...
I take the receipt, and the total is $11.18. What she had done was add
a six dollar tip! She wasn't trying to pull a fast one, she just
thought I wanted to give her a six dollar tip. I of course explained
quickly, although I was slightly embarrassed. I felt as if I were
pissing on the flame lit by the large tip that promised a small bit
of light in her dark workday.
"Here," she said, "you do the math." Well, duh...
"Eighty-two cents!? I am not taking an eighty-two cent
tip!" Just before I had the opportunity to say "You don't want a tip?
Cool!", Neil opens his mouth from behind...
"Jeeze, Pat." he said, "Give her at least a buck-fifty!"
Here we go, Neil steps up once again and shows everyone how big his
dick is. Of course, he didn't mean to...
Because there was now no way for me not to look like a cheap
bastard, I added half a buck to the tip. One dollar and thirty-two
cents is a very good tip for just a Moons Over MyHammy.
Now, I understand that waiters and waitresses live on tips. I also
realize that many of the people that go to Denny's stiff them for the
tip. Is that my fuckin' problem? No, it isn't.
I usually leave a buck tip per five check. That's 20% right there!
Some think it's steep, but I think it's fair. Sometimes I can't afford
20%, but I never go below 15%, even if the service sucks.
Stupid people really piss me off sometimes, ya know?
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